Business Items

We’re now two weeks past the 2008 Presidential Election. The stock market continues to imitate Oprah’s weight, symptomatic of an economy unsure of how deep its rabbit hole goes. Under media cover of the rousing president-elect, a lame duck administration is quietly changing regulations in an effort to maximize its impact. Before long, the only remaining tasks will be packing up personal belongings and executing extensive pardons. In the absence of daily tracking polls and moderately relevant gaffes, one wonders why to wake up in the evening.

If the political hangover wasn’t enough, the NHL is largely ignored, the NBA is populated by teams fully aware that the first half of an 82-game season doesn’t matter all that much, and the NFL is stumbling toward the twilight that precedes each post-season. Clearly, the only comfort to be taken from the sports world comes in the form of an absence; with baseball out of season, that slothful sport cannot clog the communal bandwidth.

One might look to the entertainment industry - televsion, in particular - to offer some relief from the doldrums, but it’s not without frustration. First House and now Heroes have been guilty of the Cardinal Sin of misleading scheduling. A program should take no more or less time than that listed on the guide; any other outcome must be assumed to be a dastardly attempt by the network in question to monopolize the viewers’ DVR tuners and space. A plague on both their houses.

From whence, then, are we meant to derive the impetus to wake, an inspiration toward motive force? Although it does nothing for me, I’ve been led to believe that the puppy cam offers some relief from the immeasurable void. By contrast, I’ll take some comfort from this agreement that the incoming cabinet should be populated by people who might actually know what the hell they’re doing.

• Cannibalism - As a kid, I wanted to be a polar bear when I grew up. They’re big, they’re the top of the food chain, and they don’t have to deal with extraneous nonsense; it’s all benefit. After watching this video, which describes how polar bears, starved as a result of climate change, have now been observed stalking and eating each other, I’m glad I changed my mind. Besides, there’s no way I would’ve made it through polar bear grad school.

• Pirates - In September, African pirates hijacked a shipment of T-72 tanks, among other things. This week, pirates took a Saudi super-tanker. While the report doesn’t mention whether or not the ship is laden with crude oil, one wonders what the pirates plan to do with a vessel large enough to dwarf an aircraft carrier. This isn’t a Tercel. Its owners assuredly know its location, and the international community can regain it by main force, should they feel so inclined. Now, that’s an episode of COPS I’d watch.

• PUMA - On a lark, I thought I’d see what the PUMAs are doing now that the election is over. Much to my surprise, the campaigns’ conclusion did not mean an end of the invective-laced vitriol either there or at the Anti-PUMA. Perhaps these people remain unaware that they are loose ends…or maybe they just prefer not to direct their energy toward constructive ends.

• Tip - Here’s a handy piece of remodeling advice, courtesy of We Mean Business: “Removing walls can make a room feel larger.” I should hope it feels larger, because it actually IS larger. This is a design tip along the lines of “Flushing excrement down the toilet can make your bathroom smell fresher.”

• Review - Perhaps I have a weakness for unflattering depictions of Andy Warhol, but I thinkFactory Girl rises beyond the sum of its cliches. Which is to say that it’s not just another psuedo-true story of a charming, damaged female icon who didn’t live to see 30. Sienna Miller looks astounding and strung out, respectively, at the appropriate points, and, stranger still, she actually does bear some resemblance to Edie Sedgewick, from what I can tell. Anakin Skywalker, on the other hand, is a very, very poor man’s version of Bob Dylan - or my impression of the Minnesota bard, anyway.

• Sweat - There’s something disturbing about the Degree ad in which the effectiveness of the antiperspirant in question is demonstrated by its ability to seal the material covering the bottom of a graduated cylinder filled with liquid. If I wanted to keep my body from leaking, I’d dip myself in Thompson’s Water Seal every morning. No, I’d just like to make it through the day without smelling like a dead foot.

• Safran - A recent comment brought the work of John Safran to my attention. In the interest of amusing procrastination, I suggest you peruse his YouTube clips.