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I’ll drop the bullet points for my asynchronous coverage of the 2008 Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Competition. (Sorry - can’t link for fear of seeing results before I get to the competition on my DVR) Watching early coverage, it’s clear that the big news today isn’t the puff piece on Joey “Jaws” Chestnut but the move from a standard 12 minute time frame to a shorter 20 minute competition. Before you open the calculator application, that’s a decrease of 16.5%. Commentators claim the world record remains in jeopardy, but I’d feel better about that assertion if I saw some competitors wearing the Speedo LZR Racer, in which 44 of 48 swimming world records have now been set. Actually, um, I don’t think anyone really wants to see the competitive eaters in clothing so tight that Natalie Coughlin has allegedly claimed to require the assistance of two other people to don.

Now we’re on to coverage of Takeru Kobayashi, his injury last year (jaw arthritis), and a whole batch of translators. Sitting in an exam room wallpapered with x-rays, he’s saying that he’s been training to overcome the injury, which seems to be due to repetitive stress. Whatever. The Japanese gustatory giant doesn’t look nearly as ripped as he did two years ago, and he’s clearly traded in the bright (mustard) yellow hair for Kool-Aid red. We’ll see how that works out for him.

ESPN is test-driving a graphic entitled “The Greatest vs. The Tsunami,” comparing Kobayashi to Muhammed Ali (the boxer, not the Persian general). Personally, I think the better comparison is between Kobayashi and Lance Armstrong. Lance won 7 tours de France; Kobayashi won 6 Hot Dog competitions. Lance’s anatomical anomaly is an overgrown heart, which allows him the circulation necessary for long cycling competitions; Kobayashi’s anatomical anomaly has to do with his stomach sitting below his intestines, allowing it more room for expansion than the average stomach. Between them, Lance and Kobayashi have 13 world championships and 3 testicles.

LIsted among the prizes for winning this mornings competition on Coney Island: “eternal glory, $20,000, and the mustard yellow belt.” I’m not making this up.

Here’s a snippet from Jason Fagone’s 2006 Atlantic article, “Horsemen of the Esophagus”: “In 2003, Ralph Nader sounded the arlarm about four ’signs of societal decay’: three involved corporate greed and congressional gerrymandering, and the fourth was competitive eating. George Shea responded to Nader by talking up the federation’s ‘Turducken’ contest, which he called ‘the first real advancement in Thanksgiving since the Indians sat down with the Pilgrims.’”

It’s time for the introductions. This is about the point where the aggrandizement begins to peak. In case it isn’t abundantly clear, the International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFOCE) and it’s child organization, Major League Eating (MLE) were borne from the minds of the Shea brothers, who pretty much invented the Nathan’s competition in the 70’s and run the IFOCE from the same office as Shea Communications, their independent public relations firm.

The first man out is nicknamed “Double-O,” and he’s wearing a tuxedo. That’s not going to stay clean. “Pretty Boy” Pete something or other follows, also overdressed for the occasion. My guess is that these two were such small potatoes that they weren’t even required to wear the promotional Nathan’s t-shirts. According to his introduction, Allen Goldstein has “the strongest jaws in the sport and unnaturally long incisors.” Good to know. If you’ve ever seen Butterbean fight, you can picture Patrick Philbin by taking away all the muscle tone. Erik “the Red” is the reigning jalapeno-eating champ. I’d be impressed by habaneros. Juliet Lee appears to be checking out “Dr. Big Time,” who can’t resist the urge to put his torso on display. Who expected competitive eating to be an aphrodesiac? Rich Lefevre is listed at 64 years old and 130 pounds. As I recall, he and his wife are both practicing vegans when they’re not eating competitively. Passing upwards of 3 dozen hot dogs must seriously tax his colon. Tim “Gravy” Brown wears a mask a la Mexican professional wrestling, which may count as biting Eater X’s trademark face painting. Rich Shea describes Hall Hunt as “a faith-based eater.” Again, I’m not making this up. Sonya Thomas has got to be the lightweight at 105 pounds. As the more sedate of the Shea brothers notes, she set the world record for cheesecake by eating “just north of a tenth of her body weight” in 9 minutes. There’s a Deep Throat joke in there somewhere. Whoa - apparently Eater X is Crazy Legs Conti’s roommate. Cue the theme from The Odd Couple. Bertoletti and Kobayashi round out the big names before Joey Chestnut mounts the stage to surrender his mustard yellow belt…for the time being. Shea hails him as “the Clay Aiken of bacon…the Chaquizy Easy of greasey…” The first description doesn’t strike me as complimentary, and the latter borders on unintelligibility.

I can’t believe I didn’t check bodog for betting odds on this event before it started.

…and the eating begins! We’re looking for our top gurgitators to start around 6 seconds/dog & bun (DB) and then maintain pace in the neighborhood of 10 seconds/DB. “They attack those dogs like Lindsay Lohan attacks a mini-bar. It’s completely reckless.” After one full minute, Bob Shout is leading Kobayashi behind Joey Chestnut, stunning the world. Nearing the end of minute 3, Chestnut remains in the lead, but he’s only downed 25 DB. Of Sonya Thomas and Patrick Bertoletti’s pairing at the table, Rich Shea says “She is Annika to his Tiger. She is Steffi Graf to his Andre Agassi. She is Madonna to his A-Rod.” No, none of this makes sense. Just like last year, Chestnut is watching Kobayashi, making sure to keep pace after gaining an early lead. “I’m glad I’m wearing an adult diaper, Paul, because this is extremely exciting…” Hey, I’m excited, too, but, for Flying Spaghetti Monster’s sake, maintain bladder control! Halfway through, the top two are right around 35 DB. I keep pausing to sit down and type. Three minutes left, and Kobayashi’s taken the lead by 1 DB. I haven’t felt such cognitive dissonance since the Pats failed to win the SuperBowl. Kobayashi looks calm and cool; the throbbing veins on Chestnut’s forehead drip sweat (or maybe orange soda) as he does his little lateral shimmy, exploiting the upper abs he trains just for such occasions. “There are certainties in sports. Tiger WILL win another Master’s. Tom Brady WILL win another SuperBowl. Lance Armstron WILL [confused pause] maybe start dating Jennifer Aniston? It’s got to be in the cards, right?” Tied at 52 with 96 seconds remaining. Maybe the adult diaper was good thinking. Kobayashi leads by 2 DB entering the last minute. July 4th appears to be a dark day for American patriotism. Holy balls - barring a reversal (remember, these are gurgitators, NOT regurgitators), there’s a tie at 59 DB. As Matt Ellis might say, we’re going to get free eating.

Overtime is a 5-dog eat-off. I’m not sure how I feel about these rules. The 5-DB sprint may or may not favor Chestnut’s intensity. Either way, I’m of the opinion that standard rules should apply for an additional 2 minutes. Back to the gustatation…There’s no play-by-play for that. Chestnut wins by about a knuckle’s length, retaining the mustard yellow belt. “The passion is raw, but the hot dogs are cooked.”

Says Kobayashi’s translator: “I think I lost because I wasn’t quick enough on the last five hot dogs.” What amazing insight. Someone cue Dick Vitale to predict that the winner will be the team which scores the most points. Why does Joey Chestnut does this to himself? “I love to eat.”