- Olympics -This very moment, I’ve just finished watching the battle for North America…in women’s badminton. The Canadian woman, Rice, defeated the American woman, Lee, who I’d mistaken for a member of the Chinese team. It’s 4am, and I saw an Asian woman named Lee wearing red. It took no great leap of reasoning to think the Asian wearing a red jersey reading “Lee” on the back was playing for the home team. Not only did I find out I was wrong about that point, but I also experienced, firsthand, the avaricious spirit of American competition. Women’s badminton has less than no bearing on my life, and yet I felt somehow misled when the American lost - to a Canadian, no less. Is this how people in second-rate European world powers feel all the time? No wonder they dislike us.
Regardless, we have now proceeded to equestrian, an alleged sport so posh that top hats and tails are not only allowed, they are the requisite attire. Two reasons I use the word “alleged”:- This is a sport in which people are rewarded for riding horses. I’m not saying that nothing athletic occurs in an equestrian competition, but I would feel it more worthy of an Olympic medal if horses rode people.
- Dude, did I mention the top hat and tails? That was on o’ them ol’ factual witticisms.
Given the existence of such wholly negligible Olympic events, it seems inevitable that the London games will introduce us to the phrase “Olympic darts.” I only hope NBC has the good sense to hire a drunken Irish color and commentary team.
- ESPN - In other sporting news, ESPN has decided to broadcast SportsCenter (SC)live from 9am-3pm on weekdays. That means that, by my count, Monday (midnight-midnight) will include 12.5 hours of SC. Now, I enjoy SC as much as the next guy (often, a little less - but it’s a rhetorical device), but all that SC - particularly the many live broadcasts - would seem to make ESPN News a bit redundant.
On catching wind of the new SC schedule, my first thought was “Sweet! If they’re filling mid-day with SC, it can’t be long before ‘The Ocho’ (thank you, Dodgeball) becomes a reality.” ESPN, you see, has long populated its mid-day programming - popular with college students and other miscreants lacking day jobs - with such obscure sports as darts, lumberjack games, and strongman competitions. Unfortunately, this article makes no mention of a new channel. Instead, it claims that the new live SC broadcasts are part of ESPN’s plan to control the daily sports news cycle by reporting between the morning paper and the evening news. Humbug. If New Year 2009 rolls around and I haven’t seen any coverage of the Stihl Timbersports series, I’ll be quite dismayed.
- Move Review - I watched 21 earlier this week, because it was recommended to me as falling just a notch short of Rounders. Sure, it’s a decent flick, but I couldn’t stop comparing myself to the protagonist and finding myself inadequate. It’s a personal problem, I know, but I do a find job of feeling inadequate without anyone else’s help, thank you very much.
A more universally notable feature of 21 is that Kate Bosworth’s character is little more than a glorified poker chip. Complaints about the dearth of good women’s roles are the kind of thing I usually acknowledge with a grimace and nod. Yes, it’s true, but I’m a man. It’s not that I’m trying to hold the ladies down, I just identify more easily with male characters. That said, the primary female character in 21 displayed a tragically stunted character arc. The movie is a nerd’s fantasy, and the pretty girl is just another reward for supreme intelligence.
- Olympics - Olympic coverage has moved on to women’s soccer. The play is engaging, and the players’ aesthetic virtue is a more persuasive argument for sex/gender equity in sports than Title IX. Verdict: Better than equestrian. How traumatic do you think high school was for Shannon Boxx?
- Movie Review - I also found time this week to screen Charlie Bartlett (CB), a little-heralded film often criticized as a failed attempt to update Ferris Bueller. I tend to disagree. CB, particularly in its brand of humor, draws much more from Wes Anderson than it does from John Hughes. The fact that both names come into play, however, speaks to CB’s weakness: it doesn’t play as a whole. At times, the action is allegorical adulthood, and at times it’s fantastic adolescence. I can’t read the identity of the intended audience. More importantly, every line or scene is either clearly humorous or clearly melancholic. This creates a movie which, though funny at points and sad at others, fails to achieve poignancy.
Taking a moment to pick some tangential nits, I want to know if anyone’s high school experience has ever really climaxed during a massive party held at a bar or theater someone rented out. It’s a fairly prevalent scene in teen flicks, but attempting to understand its source material leaves me at a loss. Also, I ask “Wherefore free time?” Admittedly, my high school experience was more rigorously scheduled than most, but I don’t understand where all these fictional teenagers find the time to do nothing - especially in the middle of the school day.
- Olympics - Women’s soccer has ended, making way for men’s beach volleyball. My DVR needs something that more closely approximates a time shift than “4FF”.
- Obvious - I don’t care about John Edwards’ affair. If you didn’t put a metaphorical odometer on that guy’s penis the first time you saw him and his wife, then you were probably fooling yourself on some level. I am in no way condoning Sen. Edwards’ infidelity; I’m only pointing out that it’s to be expected.
- Quasi-Post-Feminism - Before delving into my standard pseudo-feminist fare, I’m compelled to share this actual advertisement for AshleyMadison.com, a dating site aimed at married people and based in Toronto, where my brother is soon to be wed. It is so, so wrong, and I laugh every time.
On the quasi-post-feminist front, I’d like to talk about high heels. I’m a fan. In short, heels are hot. Unfortunately, they’re also bad for your feet and back and, I’ve been told, often quite painful. Ladies who feel me on the last point may be gratified by this video of a slovenly male writer brandishing his first pair of heels. [Note: If you watch the whole thing, I think you'll be disappointed. The non-confrontational way in which the self-titled (I assume) Slut Machine deals with her subject's uncooperative attitude speaks poorly of her.] I’m not even going to broach the subject of any possible relationship between contemporary heels and the draconian (not literally) practice of foot binding.
Now, earlier this week, I followed a bit of spam to Frederick’s sandal collection [Note: I doubt I need to explain why I have yet to unsubscribe to that list.] and started doing some math. I could find no heels on Frederick’s shorter than 4″. Given that Frederick’s is the place to go when Victoria’s Secret just isn’t slut-tastic enough, that makes some sense. For prostitutes and/or transgendered individuals purchasing the Gladiator Snakeskin Sandal, which is currently available only in sizes 11 and 12 (10.5″-10.75″ foot), the 4″ heel seems feasible, if uncomfortable. Sexually empowered girls-next-door purchasing the Wood Platform Sandal, however, will have very little hoof on the ground. The Wood Platform Sandal, you see, is currently only available in size 5 (9″ foot), and it has a 4.5″ heel. Even if one assumes the shoes conform to the slope of a 30-60-90 triangle (which is, I suspect, being forgiving of the cobbler in question), that leaves less than 2″ of each foot flat on the ground to carry weight. Expecting anyone to suffer such strange torture is absurd, unrealistic, and oppressive,…but I bet the shoes really flatter your figure.
Sadists and anyone I just offended can take vicarious vengeance at the link I am about to provide. [Warning:This video of a guy who's getting his huevos waxed is actually pretty boring.]
cwoy2j | 09-Aug-08 at 12:51 pm | Permalink
I think 21 would’ve been better suited as a History Channel documentary or something. I read the book and at no point thought the story was gripping enough to translate to the big screen. I mean, what’s so exciting about a bunch of nerds playing cards?
I’m with you on the high heels. I’m a fan as well and I’m always encouraging my g/f to wear them. Unfortunately, we frequent the Downtown Mall here in C’Ville which is an open air mall and has lots of cobblestones. She gets stuck a lot when she’s wearing heels.