{ 2008 08 17 }

Sex and Death

  • Anxiety - I was just reading a relatively random IMDB entry, and it made me realize that I’ll be 43 in less time than has passed since The Wonder Years and Life Goes On [Editor's Note: Admittedly, I never actually watched this show by choice. This will sound abominable, but my capacity for empathizing with characters who are defined by their learning disabilities is severely circumscribed. Okay, when I say it like that, it sounds more pompous than heartless; that's a near-optimal outcome.] were canceled. I think I need a paper bag; I’m about to hyperventilate.
    It’s not that 43 is terribly old, in the abstract, or that seventh grade feels like last Tuesday. Up to this point, however, I’ve been living under the assumption that my mid-life crisis years were more distant than the release of Under the Bridge, and that heuristic no longer stands. I need to get a career and and a wife and start making a whole lot of disappointing compromises, and I need to do it right now, if I’m going to try to use those life choices as an excuse for the whole slew of rash, foolish changes I plan to make in the vicinity of 2030. Oh, crap - where did I put that paper bag?
  • Review - None of the facts surrounding Big Trouble led me to believe it would be good. Tim Allen plays a prominent role. It’s adapted from a novel by Dave Barry (which wouldn’t be bad, but I was only aware of Barry as a humorist, not a novelist). Running time is listed at 85 minutes, which is 4 minutes shorter than Office Space, the shortest excellent movie known to man. Unfortunately, the trailer piqued my interest.
    A catalog of inane absurdities, Big Trouble is basically a goyish Woody Allen movie: lots of nonsense and half-assed neurosis sans witty dialogue. Given my frustration with films like Babel, Crash, and Traffic that attempt to tie together seemingly unrelated incidents for some epic effect, I should give Big Trouble credit for making no such attempt. The descent into Seinfeldian frivolity, however, is equally distasteful. Boo this movie. Boo.
  • OlympiXXX - I think it was Thursday night that I woke to hear one of my roommates use the phrase “hot-assed Nastya Liukin.” Disregarding the question of whether this statement is better rebutted on grounds of taste or decency, it’s a solid lead-in to one of my favorite little-reported stories of any Olympics: hedonism in the Olympic village.
    Perhaps this notion has never crossed your mind. If not, you might take a moment to consider that the athletes are segregated from the general populace. For the most part, they are astoundingly well-built individuals still enjoying their youth. They’re in a high-stress situation and surrounded, likely for one of the few times in their lives, by people of like minds and experiences. Once one’s event has been completed, he or she has whatever time remains before the closing ceremonies to distract from disappointment or celebrate success. Motivations notwithstanding, the potential for fornicatory international incidents is unfathomable.
    If you Google “Olympic village hedonism,” you’ll get articles like this about the amenities available to the athletes in Beijing. If, however, you Google “Olympic village orgy,” you’ll meet with a quite narrow selection of legitimately interesting articles such as this, which, though written four years ago, offers an anecdotal history of Olympians’ penchant for Bacchanalia. Supporting evidence might be found in this article, which notes the 100,000 condoms the Chinese government has provided for use within the Olympic village (roughly 6/person or 12/pairing of Olympians). That’s only 40% of the 250,000 condoms distributed throughout Beijing for the games.
    I understand that Olympic coverage is a family affair, but, for all the unnecessary time spent broadcasting Michael Phelps’ family, someone could at least acknowledge the fact that the Olympic village is the U.N.’s answer to Freaknik.
  • Amendments - In an earlier post, I referred to China as “totalitarian,” which is incorrect. “Authoritarian” is a more apt description.
    Also, I may have implied a suspicion that the U.S. Olympic swimming team uses performance-enhancing drugs. Although I remain suspicious, this article from NPR covers a few reasons why the Water Parallelepiped (clearly not a cube) likely holds the world’s fastest pool. This Slate article addresses what it calls “Olympic inflation.”
  • Influence - How do you measure America’s cultural influence on the rest of the world? During the medal ceremony for women’s all-around gymanstics, some asshole in the front row leaned over to wave a Chinese flag behind the medal stand while the Star-Spangled Banner was playing. Yes, even the Chinese can be “ugly Americans” - and on their home turf, no less. Now I just need to see some Frenchmen wearing patriotic jumpsuits.
  • Gymnastics - Other notes on the women’s all-around:
    • Between events, while discussing the addition of a heretofore unseen twist to Shawn Johnson’s floor routine, Bela Karolyi shook his fist, shouting past Bob Costas to the distant Johnson, “Go, girlfriend!” Someone else must have seen this.
    • Was anyone else distracted by the unnervingly long fingers and feet on a few of the young Olympians? It’s as if their bodies are pleading to be allowed to finish growing.
  • Commercials - Since there are more hours of Olympic coverage than there are hours in a day, it tends to get left playing while I do other things (like writing this post). Because I’m not actively watching the idiot box, I don’t always have the wherewithal to avoid commercials, and I continually find myself aggravated by both the existence and content of said advertisements. Who, for instance, watches The Biggest Loser? What possible rationale could exist for subjecting humanity to a second season of Lipstick Jungle? Where I can bet on the O/U for Knight Rider? These are the kind of questions that keep me distracted enough to breathe.
  • Danger - Spotters stand downfield of javelin throwers to immediately mark their distances. Such would not be my risk-taking behavior of choice.
  • Commercialism? - Time|Life is selling this boxed set of Vietnam DVDs. The TV commercial leaves me apoplectic. Yes, this collection holds unique educational value, but the way they count down battles like the track listing of a Greatest Hits CD is appalling.

Posted by admin on Sunday, August 17th, 2008, at 2:43 am, and filed under Uncategorized.

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